tomorrow will be a foodless day for me, it seems

I had to do a break with my ongoing diet-plan tonight. And it had nothing to do with a lack of will power either. Funnily, I s’pose.  I managed to maintain a significant distance away from the dinner table perfectly well, in keeping with my aim of not eating anything after 4p.m., until 1a.m. at which point I was assigned the august task of stowing away leftover from dinner from the dinner table into the fridge.

The job of clearing the table went without a hitch, and the rest of the task proceeded efficiently until the stage where the food was about to be lovingly placed in the fridge racks, on which it turned out there simply was not enough space.

I had the choice to, a) throw away half the food, some of which was very close to going off anyway, or b) eat my share of dinner, because this is a problem that could be traced back to me, at least partly.

I could have taken the easier option of tossing everything into the bin, but my upbringing by someone for whom the sacrosanctity of food is taken very serious has planted a bit of a seed in my brain that perverts any decision making process which involves wastage of foodstuff.

With that, I ended up with a hearty dinner inside me. Was a bit annoyed. But I have decided there is little good in beating myself over it.

The Non-Existent Hand : Joseph Stiglitz

It has become a commonplace to say, in the aftermath of the Great Recession, that ‘we are all Keynesians now.’ If this is so, then Keynes’s great biographer, Robert Skidelsky, should have much to say about the recession, its causes and the appropriate cures. And so indeed he does. I share with Skidelsky the view that, while most of the blame for the crisis should reside with those in the financial markets, who did such a poor job both in allocating capital and in managing risk (their key responsibilities), a considerable portion of it lies with the economics profession. The notion economists pushed – that markets are efficient and self-adjusting – gave comfort to regulators like Alan Greenspan, who didn’t believe in regulation in the first place. They provided support for the movement which stripped away the regulations that had provided the basis of financial stability in the decades after the Great Depression; and they gave justification to those, like Larry Summers and Robert Rubin, Treasury secretaries under Clinton, who opposed doing anything about derivatives, even after the dangers had been exposed in the Long-Term Capital Management crisis of 1998.

We should be clear about this: economic theory never provided much support for these free-market views. Theories of imperfect and asymmetric information in markets had undermined every one of the ‘efficient market’ doctrines, even before they became fashionable in the Reagan-Thatcher era. Bruce Greenwald and I had explained that Adam Smith’s hand was not in fact invisible: it wasn’t there. Sanford Grossman and I had explained that if markets were as efficient in transmitting information as the free marketeers claimed, no one would have any incentive to gather and process it. Free marketeers, and the special interests that benefited from their doctrines, paid little attention to these inconvenient truths.

While economists who criticised the ruling free-market paradigm often still employed, as a matter of convenience, simple models of ‘rational’ expectations (that is, they assumed that individuals ‘rationally’ used all the information that they had available), they departed from the ruling paradigm in assuming that different individuals had access to different information. Their aim was to show that the standard paradigm was no longer valid when there was even this seemingly small and obviously reasonable change in assumptions. They showed, for instance, that unfettered markets were not efficient, and could be characterised by persistent unemployment. But if the economy behaves so poorly when such small realistic changes are made to the paradigm, what could we expect if we added further elements of realism, such as bouts of irrational optimism and pessimism, the ‘panics and manias’ that break out repeatedly in markets all over the world?

Of course, one didn’t have to rely on theoretical niceties in order to criticise the faith in unfettered markets. Economic and financial crises have been a regular feature of capitalist economies; only the period of strong financial regulation after the Second World War was almost totally free of them. As financial market regulations were stripped away, crises became more common: we have had more than 100 in the last 30 years.

The present crisis should lay to rest any belief in ‘rational’ markets. The irrationalities evident in mortgage markets, in securitisation, in derivatives and in banking are mind-boggling; our supposed financial wizards have exhibited behaviour which, to use the vernacular, seemed ‘stupid’ even at the time. If we are to design policies to prevent crises or to deal with them when they occur, it is essential to understand the critical flaws in the standard paradigm. It is here that Skidelsky goes astray.

Skidelsky makes much of the distinction between risk and uncertainty. Risk refers to situations in which we have good statistical data so that we can talk meaningfully about the probability that a particular event will happen, like the probability of a 70-year-old man dying within the next year. Uncertainty refers to situations in which we have no statistical basis to go on. Clearly, the investment banks and rating agencies relied too heavily on flawed statistical models, as did the regulators. Those models gave them confidence that the risk of a serious problem was negligible, something that might happen once in a million years.

But much of the behaviour that led to the crisis (the irrational and sometimes predatory lending, the excesses of leverage and other forms of risk-taking) did not depend on this distinction. More important, for instance, were the incentives, which encouraged banks to take on too much risk, and induced them not to think too deeply about the flaws in their statistical models. Flawed incentives, inadequate regulation and a lack of scruples also help explain the abusive lending practices that played so large a role in the crisis.

In accounting for the crisis, we have to explain both the bubble and why, after the bubble burst, the economy went into a deep recession. We also have to explain the massively inefficent capital allocation, the high level of volatility and the persistence of unemployment. The distinction between risk and uncertainty, unfortunately, gives us little insight into the failures in the labour market: why the usual laws of supply and demand, which should result in full employment, have failed to work.

It should be clear that the failure of financial markets is at the centre of this crisis, but as Skidelsky points out, Keynes himself had little to say about financial markets and their management and regulation. One of the criticisms of the General Theory is its simplistic treatment of capital markets (some progress has been made in rectifying this over the last 75 years). Accordingly, it might be thought that Keynes’s views were of only limited relevance in this crisis, beyond his general scepticism as to the ability of markets to correct themselves. That view of Keynes is wrong, however, because this is an economic as well as a financial crisis: there is an insufficiency of global aggregate demand. Explaining why this is so is more difficult than Skidelsky seems to suggest. It is not just a matter of the intrinsic uncertainty of the future. Standard economic theory – the theory of demand and supply that is taught in classrooms around the world – says that if prices (including the price of labour, or wages, and the price of capital, or the interest rate) are fully flexible and markets function as they should, then even with such uncertainty there should be full employment. Wages or interest rates might not be the same as they would be in the absence of uncertainty, but markets would still ensure full employment.

Markets in capitalist systems don’t work that way, though, and the question is why? Skidelsky does not offer much insight here, not even as to what Keynes might have said about it. Those who today see themselves as following in the tradition of Keynes – especially in subscribing to his view that government action is needed to help maintain full employment – are referred to as new Keynesians. One strand of (new) Keynesianism argues that unemployment persists because wages and prices are rigid. It isn’t hard to understand why many economists were attracted to this theory. In the standard demand and supply model, if there is an excess supply of labour (i.e. unemployment), the reason must be that (real) wages are too high. This theory may not only misinterpret Keynes, but may also be potentially dangerous, because of its obvious policy implications. If unemployment is caused by real wages being too high, the obvious remedy is to lower wages. Hence the standard call of conservative economists for more ‘labour market flexibility’, ensuring that the wages of workers – which have stagnated in the US for a quarter of a century – will drop even further. But traditional Keynesian economics argues that what matters is aggregate demand, and that lower wages reduce aggregate demand. The current crisis demonstrates what can happen: countries with stronger systems of social protection and less labour market flexibility have, in many ways, fared better.

Skidelsky’s discussion of the various explanations that economists have come up with, both for wage and price rigidity and as to why the economy does not quickly adjust to ‘equilibrium’, is too unquestioning, too undiscriminating. There is, for instance, a silly theory that says prices are rigid because of the costs of changing price lists (the cost of printing new menus in restaurants would be an example); but these costs pale in comparison to those of hiring and firing workers or increasing or decreasing production. Other theories that have become more widely accepted since Keynes’s death are given scant attention by Skidelsky. Efficiency wage theory, which argues that wages affect productivity, so that it doesn’t benefit firms to pay low wages, isn’t even mentioned.

There is an alternative view (also labelled new Keynesian) as to why an economy can be trapped for so long in a state of under-utilising resources: the debt-deflation theory originally formulated by an American contemporary of Keynes, Irving Fisher, and more recently developed by Greenwald and me. It perceives the key market failures to be not just in the labour market, but also in financial markets. Because contracts are not appropriately indexed (that is to say, payments aren’t adjusted to changing economic conditions), alterations in economic circumstances can cause a rash of bankruptcies, and fear of bankruptcy contributes to the freezing of credit markets. The resulting economic disruption affects both aggregate demand and aggregate supply, and it’s not easy to recover from this – one reason that my prognosis for the economy in the short term is so gloomy.

Keynes focused, as I’ve said, on the problems posed by an insufficiency of aggregate demand: what happens when people want to buy less than the economy is able to produce. Even 75 years ago, he saw the issue from a global perspective. He was concerned, for instance, about the impact of the surplus countries – those that produced more than they consumed – on global demand. Today, we talk about global imbalances. The soaring imbalances of the last ten years are partly due to what happened during the East Asia crisis of 1997-98. Countries without adequate reserves lost their economic sovereignty as the US Treasury and IMF came to their ‘rescue’ (or, more accurately, came to the rescue of their own banks – the same banks that have caused such devastation to our own economies). They foisted contractionary monetary and fiscal policies – higher interest rates, cutbacks on expenditure – on these countries, the opposite of the policies the US adopted in the current crisis. Not surprisingly, these contractionary policies led to recessions and depressions. To reduce the likelihood of having to turn again to the IMF and the West, developing countries around the world accumulated massive reserves. But while these precautionary savings may have provided them with some security, money saved is money not spent: it contributed to a lack of aggregate demand. Other factors also contributed to the build-up of reserves. Low exchange rates can help promote exports. Oil exporters knew there was a significant risk that prices would not remain at the high level they had reached, and the prudent choice was to save a great deal of the money that they were earning. Finally, aggregate demand was almost certainly lowered by the huge increase in inequality, which in effect redistributed money from those who would spend it to those who didn’t, or at least didn’t spend as much.

These factors help explain high savings ratios. But the problem of insufficiency of demand is really a matter of the balance between savings and investment. The problem is sometimes described as a ‘savings glut’, but could equally well be described as an ‘investment dearth’. Why did it seem that even with record low interest rates, the only investment that could be generated was in housing for poor Americans for which they couldn’t afford to pay? A long tradition in economics, of which Keynes was a part, has focused on the diminution of investment opportunities. The path-breaking work of Schumpeter, another of Keynes’s contemporaries, emphasised the role of innovation. The world is currently faced with serious challenges that also present investment opportunities: retrofitting the world economy to face the challenges of global warming, or making the investment necessary to reduce global poverty. There is no shortage of opportunities for investments with high social returns. Here, there have been both market failures and policy failures: a failure, for instance, of governments to make carbon emissions sufficiently costly for there to be an incentive to invest in reducing them, or of financial markets to devise better instruments for transferring risk from those in less developed countries to those in more advanced ones, who can better absorb it.

The central policy message of Keynesian economics is that in a deep recession, monetary policy is likely to be ineffective, and fiscal stimulation is required. This, the argument goes, is because monetary authorities find it increasingly difficult to lower real interest rates (even if nominal interest rates go to zero, deflation can mean that there is a positive real interest rate); and even at low interest rates, investment may not be much stimulated. It’s like pushing on a string. When interest rates were lowered after the technology bubble burst, the effect was mostly foolish real estate investment. But, since Keynes, our understanding of the limitations of monetary policy has increased. For instance, even if central banks succeed in getting treasury bill rates close to zero, the interest rates at which banks lend can remain high; and it is now recognised that availability of credit matters as much as interest rates, especially for small and medium-sized businesses that depend on the ability and willingness of banks to lend. This is one of the reasons there is so much focus on the recapitalisation of banks, and one of the reasons the Bush/Obama policy of giving money to the banks but allowing them to pay it out in dividends and bonuses did not rekindle lending as promised. Today, few look to monetary policy to reignite the economy. The achievement of our central banks has been a more modest one: having brought the global economy to the brink of disaster, they succeeded in avoiding a complete collapse by throwing enough money at the financial system.

Fiscal policy worked, not in preventing a Great Recession, but in preventing the Great Recession from turning into another Great Depression. But now the very actions that saved the economies of the world have presented a new problem for fiscal policy, as questions are being raised about governments’ ability to finance their deficits. There are speculative attacks against the weakest countries, which find themselves caught between a rock and a hard place. They worry that deficits will lead to higher interest rates, not because (as is usually argued) public spending will crowd out private spending, but because of growing ‘risk premiums’. But the effect is much the same: more government spending will force cutbacks in private spending, with the obvious adverse effects on the economy. The financial markets that caused the crisis – which in turn caused the deficits – went silent as money was being spent on the bail-out; but now they are telling governments they have to cut public spending. Wages are to be cut, even if bank bonuses are to be kept. The Hooverites – the advocates of the pre-Keynesian policies according to which downturns were met with austerity – are having their revenge. In many quarters, the Keynesians, having enjoyed their moment of glory just a year ago, seem to be in retreat.

If markets were rational, there would be an easy policy response. Spending on investments that yielded even moderate real returns (say, of 5 to 6 per cent) would lower long-term debt levels; such spending increases output in the short run, thus garnering more tax revenue, and the future returns generate still more tax revenue. If markets could be convinced, for example, that European governments can and will meet their debt obligations, interest rates would fall, and even the countries with the highest levels of debt would find it easy to meet their obligations. But markets are not necessarily rational, and even when they are, they are not always well intentioned. The objective of a speculative attack is to generate profits for the speculators, regardless of the cost to the rest of society. They can make money by inducing panic and then feel pleased with their ‘insight’: their concerns were justified, but only because of the responses to which their actions gave rise.

Since the time of Keynes, the ability of markets to mount such speculative attacks has increased enormously. But governments are not powerless to tame them, and in some cases can counter-attack, as Hong Kong did in foiling Wall Street’s famous ‘Hong Kong double play’, when speculators simultaneously sold short both the currency and the stock market. The speculators knew that governments traditionally respond to a currency attack by raising interest rates, which lowers stock prices. If Hong Kong failed to raise interest rates, they would make money by shorting the currency. If Hong Kong did raise them to save its currency, the speculators would make money by shorting the stock market. Hong Kong outsmarted them by simultaneously raising interest rates and supporting the stock market by buying shares. Taxes on short-term capital gains, regulations on the ever more powerful speculative instruments (like credit default swaps), and – especially for developing countries – the imposition of barriers on the uncontrolled movement of short-term capital across borders, can reduce the scope for and returns from this kind of behaviour.

Keynes created modern macroeconomics; and as I’ve indicated, he gave short shrift to the financial markets. We can, accordingly, only conjecture what he might have thought about one of the critical issues of our day: how to regulate the financial sector in ways that will make a recurrence of the present crisis less likely and increase the likelihood that the financial sector will do what it is supposed to do: manage risk, allocate capital, run the payments mechanism, and all at a low cost. Here, the views of Skidelsky (immersed as he is in Keynes, the macroeconomist) are less than convincing and far from complete. He is, for example, sceptical of regulations that attempt to prevent excessive lending in booms (the so-called macro-prudential regulatory framework).

Towards the end of his book, Skidelsky writes that his chief argument ‘has been that underlying the escalating succession of financial crises we have recently experienced is the failure of economics to take uncertainty seriously’. In the end, he fails to make this case. Overconfidence in the flawed mathematical models used by rating agencies and investment banks did account for many of the horrendous mistakes of this particular crisis, especially in the United States. But these models played little role in the multitude of other bubbles, booms and crashes that have marked the past quarter-century. Western banks have repeatedly had to be bailed out because of their bad lending decisions.

We can’t pass laws that ensure that people won’t suffer from irrational optimism or pessimism. We can’t even be sure that banks will make good lending decisions. What we can do, however, is ensure that those who make mistakes bear more of the consequences of their decisions – and that others bear less. We can ensure that those entrusted with the care of other people’s money do not use that money for gambling. This is true whether those decisions are based on flawed models of risk or irrational perceptions of uncertainty. Taxpayers, workers, retirees and homeowners all over the world suffered because of the mistakes of America’s financial markets. That is unacceptable, and it is avoidable.

Keynes’s great contribution was to save capitalism from the capitalists: if they had had their way, they would have imposed policies that weakened the economy and undermined political support for capitalism. The regulations and reform adopted in the aftermath of the Great Depression worked. Capitalism took on a more human face, and market economies became more stable. But these lessons were forgotten. Thatcher and Reagan ushered in a new era of deregulation, growing inequality and weakening social protection. We are now seeing the consequences, and not just in greater instability. Keynes’s insights are needed now if we’re to save capitalism once again from the capitalists.

awkward dreams

You know those sleeps you are very glad to wake up from? I have only just emerged from one of them and am still recovering from the utter silliness of the straight-to-video action movie dream. It may well be the documentary shortly before hitting the sheets, about a kidnapped American by Abu Sayyaf, that sent my subconscious into turbulence. As though concocted by someone hellbent on exacting the coldest possible revenge for something I did to him, it involved my colleagues from the office, who although I have no bad feelings for, still make for awkward characters for my siestic hallucinations.

me, myself and bus seats

When someone prepares to leave his seat on a packed bus, when would be the appropriate time for his fellow travellers to make a move for his newly vacated spot? The answer to this question is especially pertinent for those who have chosen to eschew privately owned means for their daily commute. The day’s long grind is brutal enough on the knees without having to play the coy mind games for the small chance of a respite.

I found myself in such a conundrum yesterday in which standing in a bus midway between Office and Home, the guy in front of me rose from his seat.  Characteristically vigilant about my chances to rest my weary behind, I slung my rucksack to cover my torso and lunged forward, and effectively exerting an extra push for his departure. It was only when I saw the snigger of two brightly dressed Indian chaps who sat opposite me did the lack of grace of my manoeuvre hit home.

The burning embarrassment was less about being the kiasu laughing stock of the trip, sting though it did, but more the annoyance I may have caused the guy whose seat I so coveted.

So I am now contemplating a policy of not being a seat vulture, given how unbecoming it is for someone of my age and state of health. Now it is only left for me to see how, or if, it holds.

an allergy i didn’t know i have

I had prawns for dinner, and I am now bearing the consequence. All. Over. My. Body.

it’s been good, betty

Like many things I love, I took it for granted that Ugly Betty’s run would continue for at least a few more years.  That was before the American tv network that airs it announced its decision not to order anymore episodes of the programme beyond its current season.

The news certainly came as a surprise to me, given the ratings success that UB has enjoyed especially in its first season. Little did I know it has not been a consistent performer in its native USA, whose audience’s tastes and choices dictate whether the rest of the world gets any more of their tv shows. I have noticed in passing critic’s grumbling of the plot resembling too much of that of a soap opera’s and the central character’s pluck and moral conviction, the original attraction of the franchise, has lost its charm. Although I had some sympathy with the critical reviews UB has been receiving, never did I think the downhill slide irreversible, much less one that warrants such a drastic pulling of the plug.

It has been a long time since a tv show, through its good and bad, gives me a sort of a safety blanket feeling. UB is one of those rare shows that I find great comfort and solace in watching, whatever its state.  Perhaps it is that indefinable, inexplicable connection that still blinds me to the serious flaws of UB that has led us to here.

cannot sleep cannot sleep

The weather is so unbearably hot tonight I cannot even sleep which would have have been acceptable had I not have to go to work tomorrow.

brangelina perseveres

http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/58984,people,entertainment,brangelina-brad-pitt-angelina-jolie-boring-truth-they-are-still-together

Looks like I, and millions of others, had got it wrong.

smoothing out the wrinkles

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/25/male-grooming-skincare

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Nita Ladwa wants to know if I am relaxed. This should be an enjoyable experience, she tells me. Sadly, I am not yet carefree and drifting into the realms of bliss, even after extensive moisturising, the application of creams and masques, and the blasting of steam into my face to open my pores. I tell her I am not. But why, she wonders. So I tell her: “I really don’t like being touched by strangers. Especially when I’m stripped to the waist and being photographed.”

The Chelsea Day Spa in west London, where Nita offers “holistic therapies”, is not a place I would normally visit. In fact, at £65 for an hour’s treatment, let’s be honest: I would never visit if I were expected to pay. Indeed, that a man would want to rub assorted creams and lotions into his face only baffles me – my idea of “skincare” has never before stretched beyond the twice-daily application of Imperial Leather and water. But here I am, sent by editors convinced that I will be won over to the cleanse-and-moisturise side by a treatment and a few samples.

While my sceptical viewpoint remains the majority one among my sex, that majority is shrinking all the time. As Nita smooths her fingers over my face – by this point, with the camera put away, some of the terror has left me, and I can concede the experience is marginally pleasant – she tells me that her male clients are increasing in number, that she prefixes all her treatments for men with the word “sport” so they won’t think it unmanly, and that these days even teenage boys are coming to see her, sent by their parents for the very opposite of a quick wash and brush up.

There are hard facts, too, to suggest more and more men are taking up the moisturisers and anti-ageing creams. A 2007 report from the market research firm Mintel found that between 2002 and 2006 the male grooming market in the UK tripled in value to an estimated worth of £781m, and sales of men’s body lotions, body toning gels, depilatories and suncare products increased by 77% over the same period. However, these dramatic increases come from a small base. As that same report noted, only a third of men were using any products beyond the basics, and only one in five were using products daily – and under-35s were far more likely to use products than their elders. As the opening line of the paper notes: “Men’s grooming habits are slowly changing, but not as quickly as the men’s grooming industry would like.”

A quick poll of the Guardian’s editorial floor suggests little has changed since 2007. A hugely unscientific email appeal for information about male journalists’ grooming habits reveals 32 who use products outside the basic axis of shower gel, soap, shampoo, deodorant and eau de toilette (for those feeling dashing), and 54 who don’t. Guardian men under 40 are fractionally more likely to use products, but it’s a marginal thing.

How my respondents presented their information, though, was more interesting than the information itself. Several added a mocking “darling” as they admitted to moisturising. Another said he used several products but also liked football and lager, while one non-user said: “I am not a woman.” A very senior writer on the paper told me: “I persevere with soap and bought a deodorant last year which I keep meaning to use.” Those who thoroughly embrace the skincare market, though, were delighted to proselytise on behalf of their regimes: “I sometimes cleanse but my skin tends towards dryness so most of the time I just use water. At the moment I use an eye moisturiser, Boots Protect and Perfect serum and their anti-ageing facial moisturiser. I tend to change brands every six months or so because a friend who works in the industry told me that your skin ‘gets used’ to the same products (but they never tell you that) so it’s good to swap around from time to time.”

James Thompson, the men’s toiletries buyer for Boots, emails to assure me that “the scientific background and benefits of modern male skincare products seems to overcome the ‘unmanly’ stereotype”, but the responses of my colleagues – and a more metrosexual bunch you couldn’t hope to meet – suggest he’s wrong. Nevertheless, I have a job to do, and so I follow my trip to the Chelsea Day Spa with a month or so of a skincare regime. Nita has told me I must drink more water, and should use a cleanser, an anti-ageing cream to smooth out the lines around my eyes, a firming and moisturising cream for my chin, a pre-shave treatment, fancy shaving cream and an aftershave balm. She also recommends a masque twice a week. An appropriate range of products in hand, I begin.

Things do not start well. After my facial with Nita, I had felt almost unable to keep my eyes open. After using my anti-ageing cream at home, I realise that my eyes just don’t respond well to having cream rubbed around them. Every time I treat them, it feels as though my flesh is puffing up and my eyes are narrowing to slits (“That’s how women feel!” one of the female editors on G2 tells me, sunnily). The camphor pre-shave guard makes the surface of my skin tingle, while numbing the flesh beneath, so that when I use a razor I can’t feel my face, and I cut myself deeply and repeatedly. Despite applying the aftershave balm, I get the worst shaving rash I’ve had in years. On Christmas Day I walk downstairs at my in-laws’ house with the underside of my chin red and sore, and three separate pieces of tissue paper stuck to my face to stem the flow of blood from my cuts. One evening my wife tells me my skin feels lovely and soft; I reply that it’s got half an inch of grease all over it, and it would feel just as soft if I’d rubbed on lard. “It wouldn’t smell as nice, though,” she reassures me.

So, what I’m using smells nice and it makes my skin feel soft. But is there any benefit beyond that? My Clarins Men Line-Control Cream, for example, “reduces the appearance of wrinkles and deep lines, firms skin and helps improve ‘sagging’ around the chin”. I call Clarins and ask what, precisely this means. In particular, why the word “sagging” is in inverted commas. “‘Sagging’ is in inverted commas as it is a common term used to describe skin that has lost tone by men,” I am told by a Clarins representative. That doesn’t answer my question, and leads me to suspect the word is in inverted commas because they know perfectly well that anyone told a cream would stop sagging around their chin would believe it would prevent double chins. Tell them it prevents “sagging”, however, and you’ve got something completely different. As for what’s in the cream, Clarins tells me: “Paracress repairs fibro blasts which helps to protect and restore skin firmness; bison grass and Chinese ginger boost the skin’s strength and vitality; oat sugars firm, tighten and smooth; caffeine helps reduce fatty deposits that soften definition around the jawline; purslane and shea butter soothe, soften and restore suppleness; e3p protects against pollution.” What Clarins does not tell me is how and why these things do what they claim and exactly what results I might expect to see.

That’s because what cosmetics companies claim and what their products do are different things. As Ben Goldacre observes in Bad Science, the book based on his Guardian column, the ingredients in the potions do have powers, but they are present in face creams at such small concentrations as to have no effect. Hence Clarins’ boast that “e3p protects against pollution”, which is a qualitatively different claim from “Clarins Men Line-Control Cream protects against pollution by using e3p”. As Goldacre puts it: “The link between the magic ingredient and efficacy is made only in the customer’s mind.”

I call the British Association of Dermatologists and ask if they have a doctor who can explain to me what, if any, benefit I have been gaining from my daily application of gunk. Nick Lowe, a consultant dermatologist at the Cranley Clinic, calls me a few minutes later. I must confess to being surprised at his defence of treatments. He tells me he uses a couple of different creams twice a day, and suggests that everyone can benefit from using a daily moisturiser that has been augmented with sun protection cream. In fact, he tells me, just such a cream is available for men, under the Nick Lowe brand, from major pharmacists. I subsequently discover that Lowe has been described in the Observer as our “greatest advocate” of cosmetic dermatology. While he might have a range of skincare products, though, Lowe is also a medical professional. Moisturisers will help keep healthy skin healthy, and ease some of your dryness, he says, but if you have an actual skin condition, you need to see a doctor, not a beautician.

That’s the key point, and one Goldacre makes, too: the substances that have the power to actually change your skin are available in efficacious amounts only on prescription. What the cosmetic companies do is shove them in their products at trace levels: your face cream is usually just a moisturiser with something else added to make you feel you’re getting something important for your money.

After a few weeks of my trial, though, a habit has formed, and I find myself using the creams and potions without question. I still don’t believe my skin looks any different (Nita had been forced to concede that soap and water had done nothing to alter the fact that I have clear, soft skin), but I’m starting to understand why men do it. And it’s not really about skin at all; it’s about self-perception. Using skincare products every day starts to become worthwhile largely because I know they are expensive; like most of us, I have been conditioned to associate well-being with expenditure, and I feel – against my better judgment – as if I am experiencing luxury.

In the middle of the Mintel report there is a section called Fast Forward Trends that begins: “There has been a sudden and rather unexpected industry in what academics call ‘hedonics’: the study of happiness.” And what implications does that hold for male grooming? “This market is all about happiness (or the pursuit of it), and to facilitate the speed of market growth, this fundamental emotion is the lever that will drag a niche market into mainstream.” Elsewhere, the report talks of how cosmetic products can heighten men’s sexual allure, and about how men must look their very best to succeed at work – and how cosmetics firms can take advantage of that. This is what men are buying into when they buy a skin-firming cream: the promise of unlimited sex and their own corner office. It’s a promise, of course, that’s untrue.

What finally ends my dalliance with lotions and returns me to soap and water really is the issue of happiness (Mintel are no fools). On Boxing Day I twist my back so badly that I spend most of the next three weeks lying on my back. It doesn’t take long for me to realise that I don’t give a fig about the state of my skin, that the only thing that will improve my quality of life will be freedom of movement. The creams cease to give me even the faintest pleasure. In fact they remind me of my infirmity: for now, in this cold snap, is precisely when I should be getting outside to see if my skin is now coldproof. Instead I lie in bed and moan and groan.

When I look in the mirror after my return to soap, I peer closely at myself. I can see no difference whatsoever between my skin now and my skin then. I smile, and the lines around my eyes crinkle satisfyingly – like they’re meant to, like they always have.

‘At least it smells nice’ – Michael Hann reviews his skin-care products

Nivea for Men Revitalising Face Wash

What they say: “Effectively removes dirt and excess oils without drying out the skin; stimulates the skin and wakes up the senses.”

What I thought: I rather liked this. But I went through a whole tube in a fortnight, which suggests it’s not the most cost-effective way of washing my face.

Dermalogica Pre-shave Guard

What they say: “Clove flower oil, a naturally stimulating essential oil, helps open pores and soften the beard whilst soothing skin against the discomfort associated with razor burn.”

What I thought: A singularly unpleasant product, which feels more like something you would give a child with shingles.

Clarins Men Line-Control Cream

What they say: “An effective cream that reduces the appearance of deep lines and wrinkles. Helps firm skin and improve ‘sagging’ skin around the chin.”

What I thought: Smelled nice. But when it was added on top of the various creams used in shaving, it made my face feel as greasy as the
bottom of an unwashed frying pan.

Logical Skincare Recipe for Men Ultra Sensitive Shaving Foam

What they say: “The Recipe for Men skincare line was tested and developed in Sweden under the hardest conditions possible. The result is a groundbreaking new skincare line with exceptional moisturising and
protection properties.”

What I thought: It’s shaving foam. Who has an opinion about shaving foam? Given that it retails for around £13, it’s overpriced by about £10.

L’Oreal Men Expert Hydra Sensitive Quenching Effect Post Shave Balm

What they say: “Shaving is an ordeal for your skin: dryness, redness,irritation. L’Oréal Paris has designed a quenching effect balm that hydrates the skin to help soothe razor burn, reduces the feeling of dryness and tightness and gives an immediate sensation of comfort.”

What I thought: The exact opposite of what they said.

Dermalogica Multivitamin Power Firm

What they say: “Combat visible lines around the eye area with this powerful firming complex of skin-rebuilding antioxidant vitamins, protective silicones and red seaweed extract.”

What I thought: Made my eyes puff up so I wanted to close them. Not recommended before operating heavy machinery or driving.

Dermalogica Multivitamin Power Recovery Masque

What they say: “A powerful masque of concentrated antioxidant vitamins to help skin recover from damage while enhancing barrier properties and promoting healthy regeneration.”

What I thought: Life’s too short to wear masques.

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An interesting piece, especially for people like me, for whom male grooming is a mildly intriguing curiosity that is mostly a preserve of celebrities and those obsessed with appearances. My grooming routine is limited to a facial wash and a daily shave. Up until not long ago, it seemed all that is necessary. But aging and the attendant anxieties about wrinkles and droops sparked a slightly keener interest in what is a hitherto utterly trivial and vacuous matter. The article is not by a long way a hard-hitting investigative journalistic piece, or a full-scale exposé on the beauty business. In fact it is almost the opposite of that. The adopted style is one of the interweaving of light-hearted narrative and a dash of background statistics, which resulted in a good balance. It is a good find, because it provides good food for thought and an incentive to contemplate more fully about any potential skincare-related expenditure.

the office’s own stasi

How do some people develop anal rententiveness that so suffocates people around them?

I earlier received a reprimand from the venerable gatekeeper of my office’s stationery cupboard for the shocking offence of placing a container several inches from where it apparently ought to be in the cupboard. Great.

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